Just Because Support

Where to I start, as one doctor once told me, "My lord, Aviar you have been coming out all your life.". Also, I don't remember a lot of my life until I started school, Although my father said, " All ya did is cry a lot" then seems to always grin. But like most diva's to be, I did from what I am told, that I kept my parents on their toe. As a unofficial professional skillet and pan drummer, I did make sure they heard me at least. And the biggest eyes wide open moment to my parents, was when I was sixteen months old. I was determined to try coffee for the first time, just didn't understand at that age, that the absorption method wasn't the best way to see how coffee tasted. Yes I knocked an entire pot of boiling hot water from the coffee pot on the stove all over me. Thankfully I only have minimal scaring from that and the scars are mostly hidden as they are near my arm pits and one section on te upper right arm. I was at my grandparents many years after this happened and saw a picture of myself when I was in the hospital and I looked like a two foot high mummy. I had gauze and medicated bandages from head to toe with three spots for my little hazel green eyes and my nose. But I do believe, that thankfully I have no memory of this event.
Like I stated before most of the memories that I have started after I started school. Thanks to a new television show that started about six months before I began kindergarten, called Sesame Street, I had learned all the alphabet and numbers rather well and new how to tell time and do the simple things. Of course I was nervous, as it was the first time away from home and not knowing the other kids in my class yet. but with a shit ass grin I made it through that first day of school and even was complimented by the teacher for my level of detail on my finger painting. the semester moved on and I learned what felt to me at the time so much, was making friends and really happy and feeling good. Then after spring break, I thought that the carpet had been pulled from under me, when Miss Shoemaker came to start class, she was shaking and almost crying, as she got in front of the chalkboard and told us how proud of us she was. But that she would no longer be our teacher, with the principal at just outside the door to the class room, She told us that the school didn't think that they needed her there teaching anymore because she didn't have a husband but was gonna have a baby. She walked out of the class room and I never saw her ever again. I was emotionally torn up inside as she was the only one that ever taught me anything and was unsure what was gonna happen. Then to make me feel even worse, they split up the class half went to afternoon classes and half went into the other kindergarten class room, I was on one of the few that went to the other morning class time, I was nearly balling and extremely nervous as the principal scooted us out of the class room and into this new environment. But luck was on my side as the new teacher was even more fun to be with and until her death now more than 20 years ago we were life long friends.
My next memory isn't a happy one and is a little hard to write down for me so stick with me on this. The day began as normal as any other summer day the bright sunlight making the grass green, the birds singing and it was a special day for my cousin, it was his birthday. and I was gonna stay all night over to his house after the birthday party. All went well, I half the neighborhood was at his birthday party and the day was not too hot or to cold just about right. And hell we all had Pepsi at least more than usual. Then the sun went down, my aunt was telling us that we needed to get ready and go to sleep for the night. Naturally we were wired as everything and had no concept of even wanting to go to sleep. So we quieted down as much as well could, but still received the famous warning. " If I have to come in there everyone's getting a spanking" So we did settle down after the third time. and started to go to sleep, The next thing I recall is my two male cousins wrestling back and forth and us all still giggling softly. Then with out notice one of them got me pinned down and removed my underwear and began playing with my ass, I was stressed but in shock and didn't know what to do. I tried to struggle to get away but the force was too overwhelming for me. Then I could feel something going in a place that I didn't know or think should be, it hurt. To this day I can remember in my mind as they continued to laugh and giggle as one to another I was being forced and passed back and forth to have them put themselves in me. I was totally freaked out and didn't know what I was supposed to do. I didn't want to get them into trouble. I was shaking in my body. I felt different and couldn't put a word or thought to it. So after it was all over, and they had both fallen to sleep, I sneaked out of their bedroom, into the living room an called my parents to come pick me up and told them I just wasn't ready for over night stays away from home. This of course woke up my aunt and my parents. It was after midnight, my father was angry for waking him up, my mother was trying to understand what I was or had been through and I just wanted to get to the safety of my own home as fast as possible. Because my aunt babysat me everyday after school I know that I would have to deal with my cousins soon but at that moment I just wanted to get in my house and get the doors locked and calm down and get some kind of rest before morning came.
It was a few month later, near the labor day holiday, one again back at my aunts house, with my cousins playing with them like nothing ever happened they took me to a neighbor friends house and that they just started to be friends with and my sister was friends of the sister of their new friends so I thought it was gonna be okay. Boy was I wrong, We played for a while but had been told that my aunt and all of us needed to get to my house for a barbecue for the holiday. Like all kids we played until the last minute, We were playing a combination of cops and robbers and tag running and running all around from my aunts house to the new friends house and back and forth, the next thing i noticed that one of my cousins wasn't in the chase anymore, I checked to see if my aunt had woken up from her nap but I thought I saw her still sleeping. I went back out and the chase was on for my other cousin and the new friend, then I noticed after a bit my other cousin was no where to be found. Again did the double check for my aunt, noticed that some one was still sleeping in the bed and attempted to hunt the others down but only could see the new friend, he said that he was getting tired and wanted to go in to his house and get something to drink and asked me if I wanted anything to drink. I said sure I noticed that the house was nearly bare and wondered if they were moving or not so I asked and he told me yes we are but it would be just up the street not to far away. He lead me to his bedroom, If memory serves me correct, it was the only bed in the house, he sat down and motioned for me to do the same on his bed. He smiled and grinned at me, I smiled back and wasn't sure what was going on but had a small bit of nervousness about this. By this time between the conversation and time passing we were finished with our soda and he asked if I wanted another, I told him if it is okay, and he nodded and told me to follow him to the kitchen, the back door was open with a pile of mattresses just outside the back deck of the house, He was a couple of years younger than me so I didn't see him as a threat. Another bad decision, he continued to look and me and just smile and grin, We got to the kitchen, he picked up a large steak knife and told me to get my pants off or he would be cutting my throat from side to side, I did what he wanted to me, I was terrified by this, soon as my pants were down he tossed my body onto the mattresses outside the door on the ground, With the knife in one hand and his other hand feeling all parts of my body. I just shut down and he continued to giggle and laugh as he moved lower and lower on my body then began to take off my underwear and felt me all over, scarred as hell by this and the threat of death if I didn't do anything that was gonna upset him, I was waiting for a chance to get away but knew that if I wasn't fast enough I could be dead before I knew it too. I guess you could say he got greedy, I say this because he laid down the knife and was gonna start using both hand to do what he wanted to do. At this time I acted like I was just shifting positions but I instead kicked him with my feet about three times in the face, to delay his actions and get away. I ran and ran all the way home. Of course like usual, I got home and it was like "Where were you, We have been looking all over for you" Still in shock I didn't tell them what had just happened and told them that I didn't see my aunt and cousins leave. The day went on, the night followed and I was never the same once again. It was several years after this that I even saw the friend in person again. I just locked it away in my mind like the first instance.
After all this it was also back to school time, a new grade, new teachers, new friends, After about three school periods, I noticed a nice guy that was named David, it was like we had everything in common, hard work at school, well informed and educated. He seemed to like the same music I did and was always great to talk with in between classes and sometimes in class. I asked several times if it would be alright with him if I came to his house after school. The first couple of times he said no, my mother works and doesn't want anyone in the house but him and his older brother and older sister. So I then asked well do you think that you could come to my house until your mother gets home then she could pick you up from there and go home. He told me that he would have to ask first, and didn't want to just come to my house because his brother would pound him for being a little later than usual with out knowing why. So I said go ahead and ask, the rest of the conversation continued and really don't know how the subject came up or who truly asked first but we both traded what had happened to us. I told him the two times that I had been "in a weird place" and he explained about the real story about his brother and how he would make him watch as he raped his older sister a few times and that he had tried stuff with him as well. My heart just dropped to the floor when he told me that. At that time I thought now this is a friend that I could have for a long time, A couple of weeks past and I began to see him less and less in class. And he told me that he had been sick and wasn't doing good for a while and that he was just sick of what his brother was doing to him and his sister. And that he thought that I was the very best friend that he had ever had in his life. We were in recess and at this time, and he reached and gave me the strongest bear hug I think I had ever had before. And I reciprocated by telling him that he was the best friend I have had or ever meet before that we could talk our minds and nothing would be shared with others. I didn't see him again, at first I thought that he had gotten sick or maybe in the hospital then my mother was reading the newspaper and was in shock about a 8 and a half year old that had hung himself that lived not that far away. Unfortunately for me it was David, they had found a suicide note telling of all the hell that he had been through because of his older brother and what the brother had done both to him and his sister. I wasn't able to go to the funeral, not knowing his family and the investigation going on after he died with in the family and everything made it hard to even know anything. To this day I celebrate his memory.
The days pasted, then years passed and the next thing I know I was about ten years old, I had meet a guy named Donny, we had the best of times together all day at school and it seemed that after school I was at his house or he was at mine. We totally clicked and it was like, finally this is happiness again for myself. Donny was a year younger than me and as the years pasted the two of us were like glue almost never apart, I didn't have any real feeling that I can think of but I just knew that Donny was special, he made me feel good and his smile was like nothing I had saw before it was like sunshine the more that I saw it the more I wanted to have it around me and it made me comfortable. His father got relocated to a near by city so we wouldn't be living as close as we had before that it kind of sadden me but still he lived close enough that we still would be able to have sleep overs back and forth through out the year.
A few years passed and Donny stayed the weekend at my house, we had just gotten a haul behind camper and we had decided to stay the night out there instead of in my house, that way we could smoke cigarettes and stay up as late as we wanted to. If felt just great out it was just about the time of his birthday, I think it was like a week or so away. We had a blast playing cards, it was about one in the morning by this time, he pulls out a little bit of herb and say's why don't we try smoking this, I agreed and we did, then asked me if I knew that if I would go up and down real fast on my dick that something other than pee would come out. Even with my past, I still considered myself a virgin. And told him I didn't know that, he began to show me how and we helped each other out you might say, After that become a mess so to speak, he pulled out a playboy or maybe it was a hustler magazine I can't remember which, and asked me what do you think of this, the people in them seem to be having sex and wanted to know if I would let him do the same thing that man was doing in the pictures. It sounds funny to me at least now, I told him, " Where are you gonna but what I don't have the same parts as a women" He just grinned and told me, You shit don't you, that's a place where he could put it" In any event we tried that and I was kinda shocked because when he entered it barely hurt and I was feeling wonderful. And no longer could anyone call me a virgin. I was thirteen at that time,
Like in all lives time moved on I think I was fifteen, Donny was spending the night again. We were listening to music and messing around with each other kissing and all the petting a person could do. The next thing I know the only clothing that either of was wearing was on me and they were a pair of red and white shorts. We continued and I asked him if he would let me be on top this time, he said okay, I and getting him ready and myself as well. I barely started getting to business I hear a knock on the bedroom door, it flies open, Donny big and naked and me with my shorts up just in time, My dad walks in and asked what's going on in here? We were like two shell shocked sailors, mouth agape and my dad staring at us. I didn't know what to say, My father finally told us he would be waiting in the living room until he got an answer. And Donny was great walked out and lied his ass off to my father, told him that we just wanted to see the differences in each other but that we weren't doing anything other than that. My father came and got me and told me this and I agreed that it was true, He bought it so I was happy, And we still ended up sleeping together for the rest of the night. we dated for several more years until I was nineteen and he went into the Navy. At that time he told me , that he would always love me, but couldn't love me in the same way because he would get kicked out of the navy if they would catch us together and didn't want that to happen as it was gonna be a career for him. I nodded and said I understood, because I had known that he was bi for the majority of the time we were together. Granted it is not that much anymore but we still do talk and he was my first love.
Even with all these great and no so great occasions I knew that I was different from most people but not out of the normal, that all the feeling I have had were valid and honest, that I wasn't doing anything wrong but just in love. From the time I was nineteen until I was around twenty six, I had a lot of one night stands and really didn't have the "click" like I had with Donny, Then a new guy started working at the same company I was working at, he was outgoing, made me laugh and was a great blast to work with, It was like we took a breathe at the same time as the other we were so coordinated. And he told me that he was also bi, not gay and for the next seven years we were a team on and off. The years pasted and he got deeper and deeper in to drugs of all kinds, won't go there don't need to.
I am thinking it is near the end of the year 1999 almost the year 2000 and I have the head ache to end all head aches, I am taken Tylenol like it is candy but the pain won't stop, I finally wake up 4 days later I am in an ICU unit at the hospital iv's everywhere something in my ass and down my throat a respirator and my sister holding my hand, saying, " Come on Aviar, you can do it take another breathe and talk to me" What I found out that I had taken so much Tylenol that it has shut down my liver and I had been in a coma for the past three days. And the head ache that I was having was because my blood pressure was 180/110. I slowly recovered from all that had happened, And had the thought this has got to stop, I am thankful to God for letting me live, but things must change and that I should let everyone know that I Am Gay, deal with it. Love me, hate me but know that I am gay it can't be changed, it wasn't a choice it is just me, like a leg is a part of me. So I followed up on that thought and talked with a therapist that dealt with gay issues and was himself gay. And along with him and a coming out support group in my area. I had a little talk with my parents. I was single at the time that I told them, They shocked me by telling me that they thanked me for telling them, they didn't like the fact that I was gay, but I was still there son and would be for ever because they loved me that much. After that I started coming out to co workers and other family members and have been living life they way it is supposed to be happy and been with Milton now for over ten years.